Couples Counseling Struggles in Relationships "Who is this person?" The emotional life of a couple is subject to predictable stages. It frequently happens that couples seek counseling at a particular developmental stage. What can be understood by couples is that this is a developmental stage as opposed to the end of their relationship. With patience and understanding they can work through this stage while enjoying the growth they will experience as individuals. The first stage of a relationship is romantic love. This is usually experienced as a state of euphoria coupled with a strong need to be together to attach to each other and to exclude other relationships from each of their lives. Biologically, a powerful hormone, oxytocin, is released in the woman’s body. Oxytocin is responsible for the feeling of euphoria, a sense of being on "cloud nine" and a wish to give single-minded attention to the object of one's affection. It is this feeling that is the subject of most of our romantic songs, poems and prose. Early romance, however, creates the bond between the partners that becomes the foundation of their relationship. They see through eyes that recognize their partner as special to them. This is among the most intense and gratifying experiences in their lives. When the couple enters the next developmental stage, it is felt as a loss. Sometime between three months to one year, the couple notices that some of the feelings of euphoria are subsiding. They begin to see each other in a more realistic light. Each notices small faults and differences that were not noticed when they were in the early months of the union. This is felt as a loss and the partners frequently wonder why they are falling out of love. Earlier, they each concentrated on how they were alike and what they didn’t know about the partner was "filled in" from their own imagination or experience with others. Asking for time away from a partner, or having interests that are not shared can seem like abandonment. Areas of disagreement can create a fear that needs will not be met and the relationship begins to feel like work. Those who have bought the "Hollywood " version of love, will think this unpleasantness means they have the wrong partner and they may choose to move on to the next relationship hoping to find one that is free of friction; one that maintains the euphoric feelings indefinitely. But if they choose to stay together and work through their differences, it can be a time of growth both as individuals and as a couple. This is the point at which couples frequently seek the help of a counselor. Each may secretly hope that counselor will take his/her side or hold the wish to have help saying what seems difficult to say to one’s partner. The fear of loss of the relationship makes communication difficult and each defends herself/himself in ways that were learned in the past. There are three goals I work toward in couples counseling with couples that wish to stay in relationship. The first is understanding the underlying meaning of their problems. Couples can describe areas of irritation or sore subjects that create ongoing battles, but the pain felt is rarely the result of the action described, but has more to do with the meaning that it holds. For instance, a man may complain that his wife makes more income than he does and she tends to make most of the decisions. While he may want more opportunity in decision making, there is also an underlying meaning which is: "there is unequal power in this relationship and I don’t feel seen by her-I don’t feel like a man". Helping a couple decode the messages behind the complaints allows them to more quickly access their true feelings. When the partners have a sense of the meaning behind their partner’s emotional response, they can take on the task of learning to empathize. Empathy is a skill that anyone can learn with effort. Feeling empathy does not require that one abandon one’s needs or position, but that an understanding of the partner’s emotional makeup be added to the understanding of the problem. Intimacy requires understanding. A relationship cannot be a battlefield because if one "wins" and the other "loses" the relationship is dealt a blow. The third goal is to learn communication skills that reflect the true nature of needs and wants. This communication can be direct once the couple has a sense of underlying meanings and has begun to have some empathy for their partner. Realizing and learning that the differences between people does not signal an end to the relationship, can be very comforting. How well the couple handles the differences now and in the future, affects relationship stability and growth. Differences in partners can enhance interest as each contributes different strengths and talents to the union.An added benefit is the ability for each person to grow as an individual within the supportive atmosphere of a good friendship. A few words of advice about couples counseling. Both partners must want the relationship. If one person has 90% of the interest in continuing in relationship and the other only 10%, it is unlikely that counseling will re-ignite the interest it takes to make changes. If the commitment is not strong enough to continue, counseling can help the couple dissolve the union in a way that may help each of them. Seek help early. Problems that continue for long periods of time, create animosity and make intervention more difficult. The couple becomes locked in automatic responses that are more difficult to change. Come prepared with your ideas about what is happening and be ready for a more directive approach than you may be used to in counseling. I believe couples counseling that contains elements of coaching enhances its effectiveness and shortens the counseling process.